He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just high enough for therapy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
