I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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