Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
