She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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