We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
