How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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