she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
MIDGETS
????
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
