I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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