he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
