when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
