and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
