its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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