he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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