I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I smell stomach acid.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
