Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
