Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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