I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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