Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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