The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
