You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am available for nakedness
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
