I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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