Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
