You smell like stripper and shame
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
