I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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