the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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