Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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