and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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