hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
