He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I still have a little drunk in my system
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
