Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
