he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
