sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
