Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
