Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
