woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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