I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just googled if crying burns calories
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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