apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
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