Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just cropdusted the office
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
