I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
