I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
