just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
