Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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