everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
