He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When are your genitals available?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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