Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
