Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My breasts were aching with rage.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
