He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
