nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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