Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
