I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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