If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
