So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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